What’s Love Got to Do With That!
We meet someone for the first time and, almost instantly, a script starts playing in our head: Is this my person? Is this someone I’ll date, marry, or build a life with?
That script didn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s been trained into us. From childhood we’ve been absorbing cues — movies, TV shows, commercials, even the way our parents lived. The messages were clear: find “the one,” build the house, raise the family, keep the picture neat and complete.
But here’s the truth: much of what we call love isn’t actually love. It’s perception. It’s conditioning. And it shapes how we seek — and often, how we settle.
We meet someone for the first time and, almost instantly, a script starts playing in our head: Is this my person? Is this someone I’ll date, marry, or build a life with?
That script didn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s been trained into us. From childhood we’ve been absorbing cues — movies, TV shows, commercials, even the way our parents lived. The messages were clear: find “the one,” build the house, raise the family, keep the picture neat and complete.
But here’s the truth: much of what we call love isn’t actually love. It’s perception. It’s conditioning. And it shapes how we seek — and often, how we settle.
The Old Templates
Generations before us leaned on a formula: house, white fence, steady job, family. For many, it worked. For many others, it was suffocating. Divorce rose sharply in the 1970s and 80s; today, roughly 40–45% of first marriages in the U.S. end in divorce (APA research).
Why? Because a formula can’t hold a human heart. Families fractured. Kids bounced between parents. And each generation absorbed a slightly more fractured picture of what “love” was supposed to look like.
Generations before us leaned on a formula: house, white fence, steady job, family. For many, it worked. For many others, it was suffocating. Divorce rose sharply in the 1970s and 80s; today, roughly 40–45% of first marriages in the U.S. end in divorce (APA research).
Why? Because a formula can’t hold a human heart. Families fractured. Kids bounced between parents. And each generation absorbed a slightly more fractured picture of what “love” was supposed to look like.
The New Confusion
Fast forward to now. Add social media, 24/7 advertising, and the COVID lockdown years — and our cultural picture of love is more distorted than ever.
Psychologists warn of the “comparison trap”: constant exposure to idealized images of romance or lifestyle lowers self-esteem and raises anxiety (Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology, 2018). Instead of learning how to listen to another person — and ourselves — we chase the illusion of what “should” be.
Health professionals also point to the fallout: loneliness has been declared an epidemic by the U.S. Surgeon General (2023). Disconnected relationships, transactional cohabitation, and shallow connections leave people not just emotionally, but physically at risk. Chronic loneliness raises the risk of heart disease, depression, and dementia.
Fast forward to now. Add social media, 24/7 advertising, and the COVID lockdown years — and our cultural picture of love is more distorted than ever.
Psychologists warn of the “comparison trap”: constant exposure to idealized images of romance or lifestyle lowers self-esteem and raises anxiety (Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology, 2018). Instead of learning how to listen to another person — and ourselves — we chase the illusion of what “should” be.
Health professionals also point to the fallout: loneliness has been declared an epidemic by the U.S. Surgeon General (2023). Disconnected relationships, transactional cohabitation, and shallow connections leave people not just emotionally, but physically at risk. Chronic loneliness raises the risk of heart disease, depression, and dementia.
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Where Does Love Fit?
Here’s the paradox: even in all this noise, love hasn’t disappeared. It just doesn’t look like the templates we were handed.
Many young adults share space now not because of romance, but survival — splitting rent, stretching paychecks. And from that survival, some grow into real partnership: depending on each other, caring for each other, discovering that commitment can be built, not just fallen into.
Others cycle from relationship to relationship, never pausing long enough to ask: what does love mean to me, right now, in my life?
Here’s the paradox: even in all this noise, love hasn’t disappeared. It just doesn’t look like the templates we were handed.
Many young adults share space now not because of romance, but survival — splitting rent, stretching paychecks. And from that survival, some grow into real partnership: depending on each other, caring for each other, discovering that commitment can be built, not just fallen into.
Others cycle from relationship to relationship, never pausing long enough to ask: what does love mean to me, right now, in my life?
The Health of Real Love
Research is clear: healthy, supportive love improves physical and emotional health. – Strong relationships reduce the risk of mortality by up to 50% (Holt-Lunstad, 2010).
– Emotional support lowers cortisol levels, easing chronic stress (Psychoneuroendocrinology, 2016).
– Couples who share daily gratitude report greater satisfaction and fewer conflicts (Algoe & Zhaoyang, 2016).
Real love isn’t the movie script. It’s the quiet, consistent health benefit of being seen, respected, and safe with someone. That kind of love rewires not only our relationships but our nervous system.
Research is clear: healthy, supportive love improves physical and emotional health. – Strong relationships reduce the risk of mortality by up to 50% (Holt-Lunstad, 2010).
– Emotional support lowers cortisol levels, easing chronic stress (Psychoneuroendocrinology, 2016).
– Couples who share daily gratitude report greater satisfaction and fewer conflicts (Algoe & Zhaoyang, 2016).
Real love isn’t the movie script. It’s the quiet, consistent health benefit of being seen, respected, and safe with someone. That kind of love rewires not only our relationships but our nervous system.
A New Definition
Maybe the point isn’t to chase the house, the fence, or the “perfect” picture. Maybe it’s simpler:
Love is when two people choose to keep showing up — with honesty, with care, with presence. Not because society said so. Not because survival forced them to. But because their intuition says, this is where I am meant to be, today.
That’s love with health in it. Love that actually strengthens you.
Maybe the point isn’t to chase the house, the fence, or the “perfect” picture. Maybe it’s simpler:
Love is when two people choose to keep showing up — with honesty, with care, with presence. Not because society said so. Not because survival forced them to. But because their intuition says, this is where I am meant to be, today.
That’s love with health in it. Love that actually strengthens you.
Love, then, isn’t about the script you inherited. It’s about the story you live. And if you want that story to matter — start by listening, not to the movies, not to the ads, but to yourself.
And if you hear something stir—something simple, something soft...
Don’t dismiss it.
That’s where it starts.
That’s where it always starts.
Derek Wolf
If something in this spoke to you, there’s more waiting.
I write, interact, and teach more deeply over at www.L2Bintuitive.com—where we explore how to actually live what you feel.
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